Idk why I’m even writing this in the first place. Yesterday i tried to take my own life bcos of someone, I just realized right now how stupid that action is. I love him and he loves me too, it’s just that I’m that kind of person who’s torn between being the sweetest girlfriend and being the moodiest girlfriend ever. Idk who to talk to anymore about this. Today is our second month anniversary. People may say that it wasn’t that long, but the thing is we’ve been through a lot. We’ve been through horrific and terrible things but we’ve managed to overcome all those problems. But yesterday was different, he was already giving up on me. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t force him to stay if he doesn’t want to. All of a sudden the flashbacks of my dad leaving us all came back together with the memories of how traumatized I used to be when he left us. I don’t wanna go back there again. It was like a huge hole that drags me down. I don’t wanna feel that again ever. That’s the reason why sometimes I put a barrier around me bcos I know that everyone will leave me at some point. That’s why I’m not sweet all the time. After of those flashbacks that’s when I thought of ending my life. I smash a bottle, picked up a piece of the broken glass and started slashing my wrist. I just wanna die on that moment. I don’t wanna live through the pain anymore.When my boyfriend went to check on me, my wrist was already slashed. It wasn’t his fault anyways. Afterwards we made up and he gave me one last chance to change my attitude.
I surprised him this morning. It was not that big of a surprise really. Just filled his bed with balloons and some sticky notes. He liked it. It’s just that I’ve realized that whenever we celebrate our month anniversaries, it’s always me who makes an effort. It’s always me who does the surprises when it should be the other way around. I could just stop doing the surprises in general but that’s what I want to do. I don’t wanna stop doing it bcos it makes him happy. But I want him to be more sensitive, I want him to do surprises too, I want him to show efforts too (in that way). I want him to show me how special I am. I’m not saying that he doesn’t make me feel that I’m special, he does. He’s more than enough. It’s just that surprises are different. He knew from the start how much I love surprises. That’s what I want, surprises. I expected him to get me flowers or something which isn’t really expensive. I wasn’t expecting diamonds or expensive jewelries. Just a simple surprise is okay. Every 25th is an extra special day, I wanna feel that. But I didn’t. Maybe because I’m not worth the effort, I guess.
As a sudden reaction I kinda wanna go back to the states. Maybe if we’ll be separated from each other that’s when I’ll feel my worth. Maybe that’s when I’ll feel how special I am to him. Maybe that’s when he’ll surprise me. Maybe. Or maybe not. Idk. But rn all I want to do is talk to my dad and ask him if I could go back. I feel like no one would care if I leave the country. And maybe we need time to heal all the wounds that we’ve don to each other. Maybe when I come back here we’ll be different from what we are now. Idk. Idrk, I just needed to release all this mixed feelings. I kinda wanna leave, but I don’t think I can handle being far away from him. He’s been the only guy who kept up with all my bullshit. I don’t wanna leave him and see him happy with someone else. I am a complete mess and I hope he doesn’t get tired of fixing me though.
*adopts 420 children* haha raise it
don’t you mean blaze it?
NO YOU DON’T BLAZE 420 CHILDREN THAT’S WRONG